Bleeding out

"I want to bleed until I have nothing left to bleed but YOU"

These are not the words of a masochist in any way shape or form, but today I was reminded of a prayer I found myself praying  what seems forever ago.  The very core of which stands in quotes above.  

It was our first prayer meeting since I had been back  at MCD/OSL after  110+ days on "the rock" in beautiful  no where  alaska.  And, in that moment I didn't realize how big of a mess my life was.  I just knew  my hearts biggest beat above the noise was to  serve God and live a life for the one who had lavished so much love on me even when I was in absolute  faithlessness knowing Him.

I closed my eyes tightly and prayer, rather balled my eyes out, not knowing why. There was simply this overwhelming sense of need to.   It started as a prayer for  the "lost,"  the "broken,"   the "blind,"  it led to a prayer for my friends, my family, and ended finally with me broken before God  asking him to empty me of everything in my life until  others saw only HIM when I bled.

What I knew now that I Didn't' know then:  Many times in life we feel wounded and we lash out.  I'm not bashing this lashing.  It truly is our human nature, a survival instinct there for a reason. The thing is though, when we become new creatures in Christ there is the potential to rise above this storm.   If in the moments of our lives where it realy counts  the love, peace, wisdom of God can be found instead of a self screaming  for preservation or  from past pains then a truly powerful God has the opportunity to minister in, to, and through us in ways not typical.   The Peace that passes understanding referenced in scriptures does not come from God calming the storm around us but rather being found within  us   in the midst of the storm.

There is  painful process we must go through though as believers I feel the church typically neglects to tell us about at the onset of any rational choice we make for God- complete DEATH to self, which can be difficult since most of us don't even know how to gauge the depths of our own heart.  Actually, it's impossible to do apart from God because of that very reason, we need Him to reveal those depths to us through process.  Until we do so, the only us that will ever be seen is   in the middle of mess  is that fragmented, insecure,  instinctual creature that lashes attempting to keep others at safe and controlled distances- especially amidst tumultuous situations.  How much can we truly bring to the table in such a condition? 

Now, dont' get me wrong.  God wants us to come broken.  But, it's so he can be found amidst the  cracks.  When that self dies  that is afraid to let people near our depths and brokenness it's usually a sign that we've let God  move so deeply in us that even in those areas of our life  He can and will be found.  Even if someone tries to hurt us again they will fall short their intent when God himself takes the hit with us, and maybe they will even find Him taking hold of their lives through an unexpected encounter in the most unlikely of places.  

I don't know about you but I am a broken and fragmented mess so when it is mee that shines through it's never a beautiful graceful moment.   It's more my fears, worries, and pains.   This is why I needed that prayer above.  This is why I still need it.  

Shortly after I originally prayed it I found myself bleeding the ugly left and right   out of painful circumstance whether  self inflicted,   obviously out of my hands, or merely perceived.  The funny thing was though  in the middle of it I KNEW  God was there and in time  through  the ups and the downs he began to be found more and more in areas of my life where once He could not be.